I used to wonder, why the divorced fathers never check up on their kids -- they divorced the mother, not the kids. Why they give up.
I understand it now. Meeting kids is always a painful reminder of the life that could have been, life that was, life that they lost. It's a constant pain.
It's better to mourn it once and then move on. Not better for the kids, or the father, so not really better, but the pain is one time.
Mourning what hasn't happened
Have you ever mourned what has not happened?
I am mounring something right now.
In my mind, in my heart, something has died. It's over. I am mourning it.
In the outside world, nothing has changed. In the hearts and minds of others, nothing has changed.
In my world, it has happened.
You know, how when you fall in love with someone you imagine a life together? And you feel the same soft, warm, fulfilling happiness? It's the same, but opposite.
I've fallen out of love. And I'm imagning a life without. And it's rancid cold pointy empty kind of feeling.
I'm mourning what hasn't happened. yet.
When I am with my father
When I am with my father,
the world that is overwhelming, dark, cold, demanding, over-bearing.. which feels like it's gonna fall on me any moment, suffocate my chest, collapse me under it...
When i am with my father.. that world becomes small, distant, irrevelent, a speck.
His whole attention is on me.. on whether I am smiling, whether I am fed, whether I am happy...
Oh How I miss my mother when my father loves me!
Love reminds me of her, she was love to me, to me, love was she.
hmmm...
I message in my family group... you know, cause I have a family. In fact, I message in two family groups. And there's only one individual I continue texting with.
Too many freaking blogs
I've started writing online in a blog in 2011 (notice, I didn't say I started blogging).
Since then, I have grown a lot. Gone through many phases. Though I have continued to write in that same blog, I have also created many more.
I created one separately to document the tech stuff I used to learn i.e. programming. Back in the day, it was a thing.
I created one to document my fitness journey; I never got anywhere, niether in the journey, not in the blog.
I created one to curate the stuff I like on the internet.
I created one for my wife primarily, where she could write about homeshooling. She doesn't care about producing any work, she's too afraid of criticism.
And the main one? The one where I have been writing since 2011? That has gradually evolved (descended?) into my online presence.. i.e. if I want ot show the world what i know, what I have learned, and what I wanna teach, then that's the place for it. I have a management consultancy business, where I help tech companeis strategize, scale or automate. And so I found myself writing more and more about management and leadership, and so the blog has taken that shape.
In all of this, where is the place for Saad to pour out his heart? To show the world what he feels? What he thinks? I remember I had created one for that as well... It was something like thisrambler.blogspot.com -- I think I deleted it. Prbably a time came where I felt I have outgrown the phase where I need to write abou tmy feelings, or that there were strangers on the internet who cared about knowing the life of this person living a life, trying to live a good life. Probably the shifting style of internet, where everything is done to sell something made me remove it. Probably Facebook posts or WhatsApp status updates took its place. Probably I felt scared of my feelings being tied to identity. Anyway, point is, I deleted it.
And now, once again, I find myself, alone. Alone and desperate to share my inner world with someone. I know I have at least one reader.
There is one person on earth who has read my entire blog. And that has prompted me to write again. She doesn't know about this one, which is why I am starting it here.
Let's go!